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i really hope this move to colorado works out, cause if it doesnt i dont know where to go from there. its my last resort. maybe ill just move to Ireland, its the one place i where i would love to live. I dont give a shit about my family anymore, and whats the point we only talk to each other when we have to. And its been like this ever since my dad died. He really was the glue that held us all together....



I miss him alot these days, when he was alive we where always at each others throats. and i really dont know why. every time we would spend time together it was great, going to baseball games, watching a movie or just playing backgamon. yet the night he died(and the last time i talked to him) he tried talking to me and told me he loved me... and i didnt say anything back....



I dont even want to live with my mother anymore, and yet i have no choice to move back with her. i cant stand the cunt and i know i wont give a shit when she dies. i dont give a fuck if you think thats harsh. there are very few people who have been through what i have with my mother. i would rather have a meth-head for a mother. AND as i am sitting here typing she is 6 feet from me talking about me on the phone like its nothing.



3 years ago i would probobly be talking about suicide, at least i have grown away from that. i always say i would rather die by my own hands but at least im trying now, at least im trying to salvage whats left of my life.



we will see what happends, i HOPE i can make it through all this but im going to fucking try, id rather go down swinging

well, a while back my mom decided she was moving back to colorado, because she hates the heat here and my sister is having a really hard time out there. So this leave me at a dilema since im currently jobless and still liveing with her. I have a lot of family out there who i really need to get back in contact with, and its a beautiful state iv always loved it out there. i still havent given her a 100% yes yet, but i still have about a month or so to decide seeing as she hasnt even given an exact date yet. my only problem about leaving is my friends, i may not have many but some of them i have known for years, and it would suck not being able to see them. Sure i would be able to come back for visits, maybe some camping but still wouldnt be the same. I know i will have to move cause i dont have any other options, moving out and getting some roomates is now out of the picture. I think thats what pisses me off the most, its not my desicion, i know i would have moved back there eventually, but having to be forced back... it sucks

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HeXsHaDoW
05:33 Aug 20 2009

you need to write in your journal more...lol



but i dont want you to move to colorado....haha i dont want u to lose internet im going to be sad i wont get to talk to you :/

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ok it is 10:25pm here right now and i have been up since 6:30 yesterday. 28 hours.... and i dont feel tired. is my insomnia getting worse? i dont know but ever since i can remember i have had trouble sleeping. haha i know i talk about this movie too much but this does remind me of fight club. the first thing you find out about the narator is that he is an insomniac. deffinatly far worse then me cause when i do sleep i can for 12 hours haha. anyway hopefully i can get some sleep soon, but if not oh well maybe Tyler Durden will keep me busy ha

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HeXsHaDoW
02:41 Aug 18 2009

wow...you know what ive tried watching that movie...but somehow it didnt keep my interest...i know a lot of people love that movie though...haha

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